Unfortunate Coincidences
by SmilingChipmunk
Summary: The innocence is finding new ways to defeat akuma and Kanda returns with an odd spherical innocence. Soon after, he leaves on another mission and upon his return a few months later, is presented with a daughter...with Allen,of all people, as the father. They can barely take care of themselves, how on earth are they going to deal with parenthood! No yaoi.
1. Say What?

Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray-Man

AN: Hello! Yes, I have begun a new fic...because I was inspired, I just had to write something! I don't know if I should keep writing the story, but if it gets positive feedback, I will. It's ridiculously fun to write anyway :D Like I said in the summary, there won't be any pairings, though I'm not one hundred percent set on that yet. I hope you enjoy.

* * *

"Ah, Kanda! Welcome back!"Komui greeted the agitated looking swordsman heartily. He nodded and immediately turned around after handing in the mission report. He had been gone for months, tracking a dead end and he was annoyed as hell.

"Oh, by the way Kanda, there's probably something you should know before you leave." Komui called out cheerfully. Kanda stopped, angling his body slightly to indicate he was listening.

"You and Allen are parents." Komui gave a wide grin. Kanda blinked and slowly absorbed what was just said.

_No, I must have heard wrong. _

_I must have. _

"What did you just say?" Kanda forced through gritted teeth, swivelling around to face him fully.

"Parents. You and Allen are parents, to a healthy girl!" Komui leaned back on his chair comfortably.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes. In fact, they should be arriving….now!"

The door opened with a creak and Allen peeked around the corner.

"Hey Komui! Kanda." Allen greeted cheerfully, walking into the room. Kanda's eyes widened as a young girl followed him, no more than six years old, trotted in after him with a tight grip on his shirt.

She had long black hair that trailed down to her thighs but she had unmistakeable silver grey eyes, the same ones as Allen's. She wore black tights and a blue dress, small flats on her feet. She had a happy smile on her face and an adoring expression as she looked at Allen.

"Come on, Ayu, say hello to your other father!" Komui said brightly, gesturing to Kanda. Kanda strode over and immediately pointed his katana at Komui.

"You have ten seconds to explain." He glared, hand almost shaking with fury.

"N-now, just calm down-"

"Daddy!"A gleeful squeal came from behind him and a shiver ran up his spine as tiny arms wrapped around his leg. He looked down slowly and froze as he met eyes with the bright silver ones. She had an adoring expression almost identical to the one she had regarded Allen with.

"It's touching me." He stared at her.

"She's not an 'it', stupid Kanda." Allen glared at him.

"I don't care, just get it off me."

"Now, now, let's just all sit down and we can explain, Kanda." Komui squeezed between them cheerfully and gestured to the couch.

"Ayu-chan, let go of Kanda for now." Komui coaxed.

"Dadda, does other daddy hate me?" The girl tugged on Allen's vest.

"It's okay, daddy doesn't hate you, daddy hates everyone." Allen said with a beaming face, patting her on the head. She pouted and crawled onto the couch beside Allen. Kanda grudgingly sat down _away_ from the two, crossing his arms tersely.

"So, this started a couple months ago-"Komui began.

_**Fidget. **_

"-When you came back with the innocence-"

_**Fidget.**_ The girl wiggled slowly over to Allen, sneaking glances at him needily.

"-That you retrieved from-"

_**Fidget.**_

"Ayu-chan…" Allen sighed, holding out his arms. Her face lit up and she jumped onto his lap, snuggling into his chest and playing with the ribbon around his neck.

"As I was saying, you came back with the innocence…."

**Six months before:**

"I have it." Kanda strode into Komui's office and placed an orb like luminescent egg on his desk.

"Welcome back, Kanda! Well done on retrieving the innocence!" Komui stood up, looking closely at it. Kanda's face had a small cut along it, and a single drop blood dripped down and landed on the egg. The cut had already been healing, and only that drop escaped.

"Hm? What happened?" Komui grabbed a tissue to wipe it away, but was surprised to see it was not there anymore.

_Oh, I guess it didn't land on the innocence…._

"Che. That troublesome woman tripped while holding a tray of plates. I couldn't be bothered dodging it."

"You shouldn't be so flippant just because you heal faster. You should still take care of your body." Komui scolded.

"Whatever."Kanda strode out of the room.

"Thanks for your hard work."

**A month after that:**

"Hello! Is something the matter?" Allen walked into Komui's messy office, glancing around.

"Ah, Allen! No, I was just wondering if you could deliver this to Hevlaska for me." Komui waved from behind a tower of paper work on his desk. Allen carefully inched his way through the precarious stacks and piles of mess, knowing just brushing one could end in a potential paper avalanche.

Komui handed him a round, glowing ball and he held it carefully.

"The innocence Kanda bought back is quite curious, I've been studying it for a while, but it's time to ask Hevlaska."

Allen stared at it curiously, too engrossed in the innocence to notice what he was stepping back onto. He knocked a stack of papers and a flurry of paper came collapsing down.

"Ah!" He fell under the stack, knowing it was better to wait until it was finished before trying to get out. A sharp pain sliced through his finger as he held a hand up to stop the paper from piling around his head.

He burst through the paper and looked at his finger, which was bleeding from a paper cut. Before he could stop it, a drop of blood welled up and dripped onto the ball. It soaked into it like a sponge, and instantly the ball began to glow even more furiously, the colours swirling around inside.

"Uh, Komui! You should probably…" He started to panic as wind began to pick up around the ball.

"Allen? What's going on?" He could hear Komui's voice in the distance.

"I have no idea!"

The ball started to change shape and texture and in a blinding flash of light, turned into a…..a….

_Baby?_

Paper fluttered around him as the wind died down and Komui came into view again.

"Allen! Are you alright-"He ran over and immediately froze as he saw the baby that was beginning to cry in Allen's hands. "Did you just…give birth?"

"OF COURSE NOT! YOU KNOW I DIDN'T!" Allen yelled.

* * *

"It appears…this child is…in a sense…an exorcist." Hevlaska cradled the crying baby with her silver tendrils.

"What…how…what do you mean, Hevlaska?" Komui adjusted his glasses in a flustered manner.

"This…baby…was…constructed…by innocence….using the information…from two separate sources. DNA, like…normal babies. She is…made to fight. Furthermore, the DNA was from…two exorcists…her body…is ideal. She is not…merely an accommodator for innocence. She is a being…made from innocence. She is growing…as we speak…her growth will be rapid…until she reaches the age…for maximum fighting…potential…" Hevlaska slowly lowered her, placing her back in Allen's arms.

"Hm…oh, the blood! Of course! Thank you, Hevlaska." The elevator slowly ascended the levels and there was a stony silence.

"So…congratulations, Allen. It's a healthy baby girl." Komui smiled brightly as he stuck his hand out to shake Allen's hand and immediately used his clip board to block a furious punch. It crippled the clip board, and Allen glowered as he held the baby with one hand.

"Why did you keep something like that on your desk?"

"Well, I didn't know at the time, did I?" Komui shrugged.

"I'm too young to be a parent…" Allen moaned, slumping over.

"So that's what you're really angry about…"

**Current:**

"And that's how little Ayu came to be. You happened to be on another mission, Kanda, and seeing as you just came back now, and she ages so quickly, she's already about five. Your DNA and Allen's were combined by the innocence to form this child. It's a miracle!" Komui said happily. Kanda had been frozen the entire time and now he slowly turned to look at Komui.

"You're saying…because I just happened to bleed on the innocence…and bean sprout did too…this..."He glanced at the girl who had fallen asleep, and was now nestled in Allen's lap.

"_Thing_ was created by it?"

"Ayu, her name is Ayu, stupid Kanda!" Allen said in annoyance.

_They named her 'beautiful'…..?_

"We took a long time to decide her name…especially since it took Allen so long to come around…I suggested Lenalee!"

"Johnny said Tup, Lenalee said Hua, but in the end it was Lavi who came up with Ayu," Allen said.

"We thought it was good, seeing as it was a Japanese name…"

"But apparently Lavi was just mixing your two first names together." Komui laughed. But Kanda was in no laughing mood. The door slammed open excitedly and Lavi bounced in. It didn't help _at all._

"Yo! I heard Yu-chan came back! I wanted to see his face when you told him-oh, hey Yu!" Lavi waved cheerfully. Ayu woke up and blinked sleepily, but when she caught sight of Lavi, her face lit up.

"Wavi-nii!" She scrambled up over Allen's head and leaped off it into Lavi's arms.

"A-chan! How's meeting your daddy?" Lavi grinned.

"I am not that midget's parent. Especially not her-"Kanda growled, not even wanting to say it.

"Iss not going well. Maybe if I talked to him more?" Ayu looked at him hopefully. Kanda just looked away promptly, gritting his teeth.

"Stupid Kanda, stop being so mean! Accept your responsibilities as a parent, she is half you! When I'm not here, you have to take care of her!" Allen got up, standing in front of him steadfastly.

"I don't have to have anything to do with her. There are other people in this place, they can take care of her." Kanda tried to push Allen out of the way, but he wouldn't budge.

"She is your responsibility as well. Accept it." Allen glared back at him, and his very thin patience snapped.

"Get out of the way. Now." Kanda glowered at him.

"A-chan, wanna go play outside?" Lavi quickly said.

"But…"

"We can go eat first!" Lavi smiled and Ayu instantly perked up.

"Yay! Go! Go!" She bounced off him, running out the door with Lavi following close behind.

"I'm not moving until you say you'll look after her as well. As a parent."

Kanda suddenly grabbed Allen's collar and hurled him into the wall opposite, needing a place to let out his anger. Allen hit the wall hard and bits of the wall came crumbling down.

"Kanda! Allen's just trying-"

"No, it's alright, Komui."Allen coughed and stumbled up and waved his hand to clear the rubble, rubbing his back with the other. "That's just his way of saying yes. Right, stupid Kanda?"

Kanda clenched his fists and looked away angrily.

"Che. I'm not going to be that kid's good parent."He slammed the door open and angrily walked out.

"That didn't sound like a yes…" Komui sighed.

"He just said he's not going to be her good parent. He never said he wasn't going to be one." Allen shrugged, dusting himself off.

"Higher!" A gleeful cry came from outside and Allen turned to see Ayu and Lavi fly past the window on his hammer.

"Damn that Lavi! How many times do I have to tell them not to be so reckless?" Allen ran out the room. Komui was left alone to survey the damage of the wall. He sighed and sat back down in his chair.

"It certainly has been very lively lately."

Komui had been wondering for a long time how Kanda would react to this situation. So far, his predictions had been quite accurate. Kanda had a rough childhood, growing up with virtually no parents and only one friend. The scientists had been kind to him, but Kanda…well, with that personality…and what they did to him…Kanda didn't exactly have pleasant memories, how would he treat his own 'child'?

_Does Kanda even know how children are made?_

* * *

AN: Um, right! Well, Ayu calls Lavi 'Wavi', it's just because of her child talk, same with 'iss' and so on. Well, I hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading.


	2. I'll Kill You

Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray-Man!

AN: Hello! Thank you to the reviewers, I'm glad you enjoyed!

Have fun reading!

* * *

There was a knock on Kanda's door and he stared at it, like if he did it long enough, they would go away. He had dreaded waking up this morning, and hoped it had all just been a bad dream.

"I know you're in there, stupid Kanda." Allen's voice came through the door.

"Dadda, does other daddy still not like me?" Ayu's voice came floating through as well. He sighed, and stalked up to the door, yanking it open.

"What?" He demanded to the pair outside his door. It was relatively early, and he had just come back from showering because he had been training earlier.

"Daddy! Good morning!" Ayu grinned happily, holding her arms out at him expectantly. He looked down at her, then back at Allen.

"Bean sprout, what does the midget want?" He asked. Allen rolled his eyes and put his arms underneath Ayu's, holding her up to him so her outstretched arms were now at shoulder height.

"She wants you to pick her up, stupid Kanda. Take her."

He stared at the girl with a scowl.

"Why don't you just hold her?" He stepped away from her.

"Because she wants you!" Allen said exasperatedly.

"Why?"

"Because you're her parent as well!"

"I don't want to."

"Well, you have to. You will hold her, and you will like it!" Allen demanded, shoving her in his face. He grimaced, slowly raising his arms. Ayu's face lit up and she jumped into his arms. He jerked in surprise and on instinct held onto her. She wrapped her small arms around his neck and squealed happily. He froze, not sure what to do.

"Let's go, it's time for breakfast. You are going to learn how to adjust your schedule and how to take care of her. Are you hungry, Ayu-chan?" Allen asked dotingly.

Kanda scowled, there was no chance in hell he was ever going to act like that. He didn't even know where to put his arms, but she was latched on to him, long black hair running down his arms. It mingled with his hair, which he noticed was the exact same colour. He glanced at her, he didn't look in the mirror often, but she did kind of look like him. An unfamiliar feeling tugged at him and he frowned.

He suppressed a big angry sigh. He really didn't want this. Just because of some damn innocence, everything in his life was messed up.

"Uh huh! Now we can all eat together!"She giggled. Kanda followed Allen reluctantly down the hall to where the dining room was.

"You'll see, stupid Kanda, it's built into us as human beings. Your paternal instincts will kick in soon enough. If all your other instincts haven't murdered it already," Allen said, only half jokingly.

"Che. This is so fucki-"He started angrily but was stopped by Allen's hand slapping over his mouth. He slowly turned to look at Allen, anger firing up. He must have a death wish.

"Don't swear around Ayu! I don't want her to pick up any of your bad habits." Allen frowned seriously. Kanda shook him off angrily, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Says the cursed bean sprout! Don't touch me!" He growled.

"Being cursed isn't a bad habit, stupid Kanda. She can't 'pick it up'. Maybe I should keep Ayu away from you, in case your stupidity is infectious." Allen reached out to take Ayu and without even realising it or meaning to do it, Kanda shied away from Allen's arms and twisted his body away from him so he couldn't take her. When he realised what he had done, Allen was already grinning smugly.

"I told you! Even you can be a father. As daunting an idea that is."

Kanda wanted to wipe that smug grin off his face with his fist.

"I just thought you were going to touch me again. Take the damn midget." He tried to pry Ayu's fingers off his neck but she squirmed, hanging on stubbornly.

"No! I wanna stay with daddy! I've waited for a long time to see daddy! Why don't you want to stay with me either?" She buried her face into his neck and he jerked, halting in his fast paced walk. He had always disliked kids, and really, this midget wasn't much of an exception….

But she was, this was _his_ kid. Even if he hadn't wanted one. A child created by innocence purely to fight akuma….she was more like him than he originally thought. He sighed, kicking down his annoyance and trying to focus his anger into something more suited to this situation. Like…gentleness, or some weird crap like that. He mentally gagged.

"Alright! Stop whining, I'll hold you!" It was as close as he could get for now. She stopped squirming and looked up with a bright smile on her face.

"Yay! Does that mean daddy doesn't hate me?" She said bubbly. His head was starting to hurt, he was not used to suppressing his anger or annoyance.

"N…..No." He coughed through gritted teeth. He could see Allen looking on approvingly from the corner of his eye and he stopped himself from throwing Ayu at him. He followed Allen through the doors to the dining hall, pausing in the doorway. He would have to carry a kid through a room full of people. He didn't care what other people thought of him, but if people thought he was getting soft, they were going to start getting friendlier with him, and then his patience would really snap. Thankfully, she jumped out of his arms and started dashing over to Jeryy.

"Ah! No fair! You got a head start on me!" Allen ran after her.

"Good morning, Kanda!" Lenalee said brightly as he walked past the table.

He nodded, eyeing the enthusiastic pair at the ordering window.

"Mornin', Yu!" Lavi waved cheerfully and Kanda shot him a glare. Lenalee caught his look towards Allen and Ayu and smiled.

"Ayu's technically a parasitic type, but unlike Allen, her entire body is…well, it's safe to say she has a very, very, large appetite. She and Allen have eating competitions every meal time." Lenalee explained, looking on fondly as the pair came over. Kanda stared at them disbelievingly, Allen's pile was even higher than it usually was, and he had a trolley full of food as well. Allen set the food down at the table and Lenalee scooted over to let Ayu clamber opposite him. Kanda stepped away to order his own food, one serving of soba, unlike the freaks.

"Good morning, Linlee-nee!" Ayu grinned, picking up her fork.

"Hello, Ayu-chan!"

"Daddy! Sit with us!" Ayu waved and Kanda swore in his head. He reluctantly changed his direction and sat down at the table, almost on the edge of the seat.

"On yer marks…get set, go!" Lavi waved his small hammer like a flag and they attacked the food like there was no tomorrow. Trying to keep his appetite, he ignored them and ate as calmly and quickly as he could.

"So, how's the first day of parenting, Yu?" Lavi asked, leaning forward curiously. Kanda twitched and gripped his chopsticks tightly until he felt them about to snap. He slammed them down.

"Don't call me that."

"You know, I've been wondering, you've been looking kind of confused ever since yesterday. Do you know how children are made?" Lavi pushed on, leaning his chin against his palm. Lenalee choked and quickly whacked her chest with her fist.

"L-Lavi! Ayu is still here! Besides, of course Kanda knows…." Lenalee turned to him expectantly. Kanda briefly remembered an old conversation.

"_Are you humans born out of holes too?"_

"_No, we come from our mothers."_

"_Mothers? What are they?"_

"_Well…Director Tui's one."_

"_The Branch Director gave birth to you?"_

"_Huh? No! Not me! She gave birth to our child, I'm the father!" _

"_Father? How does it work?"_

"_Eh? Um…you see…humans are created when a man and woman…love each other…"_

He remembered himself wondering about those words…'love each other', and he felt his appetite disappear completely.

"They come from mothers." He pushed his food away.

"Yes….and do you know how they are made…?" Lavi prompted.

"….When the father and the mother…" Kanda started cautiously. "Love each other…?"

There was a silence as Lavi and Lenalee looked at him.

"Whoa! You got the kid 'talk'! You have no idea how it actually works!" Lavi exclaimed.

"Kanda, do you actually not know…?" Lenalee asked slowly, some form of…concern on her face. He twitched and clenched his hands together.

"So what?" He glared.

"Well….'cause Ayu isn't a normal baby…aren't ya kinda curious as to how she's different?" Lavi shrugged.

"No."

"Yay! I win again, dadda!" Ayu jumped up and almost knocked the pile of dishes over. "But s'only 'cause dadda always has so much desserts!" She stuck her tongue out in disgust at the pile of cakes Allen was wolfing down.

"But they're good, Ayu! You must have got that from him." Allen glanced at Kanda.

"Really? Daddy doesn't like sweets either?" Ayu clambered over, almost sitting in his unfinished food as she sat on the table in front of him, dangling her legs into his lap. He shifted uncomfortably, but Ayu just leaned forward, long black hair tumbling over her shoulders.

"No. I hate sweets." He mumbled.

"I'm like daddy then!" She grinned, throwing her arms around his neck. His hands shot up like he didn't know what to do with them, and Allen motioned holding her. He was having trouble just stopping himself from pulling her off.

Though, it was better than it was this morning, he didn't feel quite as alarmed, and he noticed she was light and fit into his arms comfortably. She was kind of just like a breathing piece of baggage. He grudgingly shifted her so she was sitting in the crease of his left elbow. He preferred leaving his right hand free, just in case he needed to grab his sword at any time.

"Hey, A-chan, why do you call Allen 'dadda' and Yu 'daddy'?" Lavi rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Well, dadda's name is Allen, so dad plus 'a'. Daddy's name is Yu, so dad plus 'y'." Ayu grinned and nodded, like it was obvious.

"Whoa…that's smart, A-chan!" He applauded and Ayu giggled happily.

"When I knew I had another daddy, I spent fooooorrrrrever thinking up ways so no one gets confused. I can't call both daddies daddy, 'cause both my daddies are special! So there's dadda and daddy!" She smiled up at Kanda. He was taken aback by the pure joy in that smile, and the frown dropped off his face. It was by no means a smile, but at least it wasn't a full blown glower. Who the hell could glower at that?

"How cute! Ayu, you love your daddies very much, don't you?" Lenalee smiled.

"Uh huh!" She nodded vigorously.

"Ahh! Ayu's so cute! I love you too! More than mitarashi dango!" Allen paused in his eating, bright sparkles of fatherly adoration emitting off him as he glanced up.

"That's a big compliment, Ayu!" Lenalee laughed. He felt the pressure as three heads swivelled to look at him expectantly.

"Che. I'm going to meditate, one of you take the midget." He started to pull her off.

"Nuh uh. Like I said, you're going to adjust your schedule so that you can take care of her every moment of the day. When I'm gone, you are going to be the one to take care of her, so get used to it while we're still here and can still help you." Allen stacked the pile of plates onto the trolley, pushing it back towards the kitchen.

"No way."

"Yes way."

"I'll kill you."

"And then you'd have to take care of Ayu all by yourself." Allen gave a wide grin, laughing monotonously.

* * *

AN: Another child talk 'Linlee'=Lenalee, blah blah. Thanks for reading!


	3. Why Would You Sit There? Why?

Kanda sat Ayu down in the meditating room, beside where he would sit.

"Don't move. Just sit there and be quiet." He ordered. Ayu nodded diligently, but then tilted her head with a pouty look on her face.

"But what are we doing?" She asked.

"Shutting up. Now." He sat down cross legged beside her, closing his eyes. Clearly, he was not familiar with the ways of children, especially one as active as Ayu. Before long, he heard shifting noises to his left, and sighed. If he could just block those _annoying as hell_ noises out….

He suddenly felt hands poking at his hair ribbon and bared his teeth angrily.

"Can you sit still?" He opened his eyes exasperatedly.

"I don't like sitting still though…."She whined, tugging at his hair. He slapped her hands away irritably.

"Then go outside."

"But dadda says I'm not allowed to go around by myself."

"I say you can."

"Really…?" She said slowly, peering around his head. He could see her in the corner of his eye and hesitated. As much as he wanted her to leave, something in his head said that would not be a good idea. "But I wanna spend time with daddy!" She squirmed. His head dropped slightly and he sighed.

"Then stay here and sit still! Make up your damn mind!"

She flinched slightly at the impatient yell and he felt a tiny bit of guilt at scaring the small brat. "Um…can I choose where I sit?"She asked cautiously, fidgeting with her hands.

"Whatever! As long as you shut up and stay still!" He growled.

Out of all the decisions he had made, that was one of the worst. And he's had to make some pretty damn important decisions.

She tried sitting _everywhere. _First, right beside him, then in front of him, in his lap, _everywhere. _

The place where she finally chose to sit?

On his shoulders.

On his _fucking_ shoulders.

"Uh huh! I like it here." He felt her shake vigorously from her nod. He closed his eyes, trying not to break something.

_Why. Why. Why. _

He clenched his jaw as he felt her rest her arms on his head, tiny feet kicking lightly against his chest. How the hell was he going to meditate with a kid sitting on his shoulders? How the hell was he going to stop himself from killing everything? This was supposed to be one of the rare times when he _wasn't_ agitated.

Allen paced slowly in the library, feeling restless.

At first, when he realised all the responsibilities he suddenly had, he had nothing short of a minor psychotic breakdown. Of course, he was exceptionally good at handling pressure, his master being who he was, but this was an entirely different situation. As hard as it was to accept that he was going to be a father at his age, after huddling in a small ball for a few minutes, things started to work themselves out in his head. First, he realised that he was pretty good with children. Then he realised that the baby Lenalee was cooing over was _his. _Maybe not acquired the conventional way, but the baby was his baby. Mana had taken him in and taken care of him when no one else would. His childhood was brighter because of Mana.

To be able to be that light for someone else….it was actually not such a daunting task anymore.

And with another look, he realised, that baby was cute. As much as he hated to admit, Kanda did have a pretty face, and their two genes made a pretty adorable girl. It had only been a few months, but because Ayu grew up so fast, he watched her start to learn and walk in a month. He had rarely left her side, and to tell the truth, he didn't want to. Her constant bright attitude filled the halls with laughter and a childishness that even Lavi couldn't imitate, though god knew he tried. She was an instant hit all around, mainly because Ayu had seemed to inherit-thank god- his personality and not the grumpy old samurai's.

He had thought Kanda handled the news quite calmly. He only threw him once at the wall, and he didn't even take out Mugen.

But he was still worried, Kanda's tolerance was low with normal people, with children….

_ARGH! _

Also, he hadn't been away from Ayu much, and now that he was, he found it rather nerve wracking. He didn't want to become someone like Komui and become overly protective or develop a sister complex, or in this case, a daughter complex.

_No way! No way am I becoming like that! _

"Stop pacing, Allen! I can't concentrate!" Lavi whined, slamming his book shut. "If you're so damn worried, go check on them already!"

"But…but…I can't! He has to learn how to…" Allen clutched his head, inner conflict showing.

"You can just check, you don't have to interfere. Reassure yourself and just get outta there. Or else you'll drive me crazy."

Allen scrunched his face up in thought.

_Check? Don't check? Check? Don't check?_

"Go, bean sprout!" Lavi barked.

"Okay!" Allen yelped, dashing out of the library. Lavi sighed loudly, that boy was helpless. "And my name is Allen!" Allen leaned back into the library.

"GO!"

Kanda thought that with someone resting on his shoulders, he wouldn't be able to concentrate at all. He didn't expect to close his eyes and hear the steady thumping of a small heart. It was loud, but surprisingly soothing and easy to relax to. He could feel her breathing softly and he noticed at one stage, it got slower and steadier. She was asleep.

He automatically synchronised his breathing to hers, one for every two of hers and a calm he hadn't felt for a long time washed over him. Questions started popping up in his head.

_How do I get this kid to go away…? _

_Is it worth getting my ass chewed out by bean sprout? _

_How do I get bean sprout to go away…? _

The quiet was broken by a tiny smug snicker. One of his eyes flickered open to see Allen leaning against the doorway.

"What do you want?" He asked impatiently, the little amount of calm he had managed to accumulate rapidly draining away as he looked at the stupid bean sprout's smug face.

"Nothing. Just that…you look pretty comfortable there." Allen shrugged widely. It was true, he was comfortable, not that he would ever admit that. "I'll leave you two to it." Allen turned to leave and Kanda grumbled in response. "Oh, by the way, you might not want to let Ayu sleep that much. It'll be hell for you later tonight when she's wide awake."

"….Tonight?" Kanda's eyes flashed open.

"Yup. You know, because she's going to want to sleep in your room tonight. It's not use trying to put her in another bed either, she just crawls right back in," Allen said knowingly.

_Don't fuck around…._

"There's no way this midget is sleeping in my room." Kanda glared furiously at the white haired teen, who just kept that tiny smile on his face. Just enough to piss him off indefinitely.

"Technically, she's going to be sleeping in your bed. Not just in your room. Don't worry, I can give you a list of things you should look out for during the night." Allen waved his hand calmly.

"That's over the line! What is she, my shadow?" He yelled at him angrily.

"Nope." Allen's face turned into one of those heartfelt expressions that Kanda hated the most, because the damn boy was so honest when it came to things like this that it was sickening. "She's your daughter." There was an undertone of anger and unwavering resolve in his voice that Kanda usually only heard when Allen was fighting. Not for something like this.

"I didn't ask for a kid." He muttered.

"I didn't ask to be attacked the first time I arrived at the Order, but I still did. Can you stop being a self destructive jackass just this once and try being a responsible human being?" Allen said exasperatedly. Kanda considered reaching for his sword, but something that was annoyingly rational in his head told him otherwise.

"I really do hate your type." Kanda glared at him, just not wanting him to get the last word.

"Yes, yes. She also needs to train later, so don't forget to do that. It's not _actual _fighting, you just teach her little techniques to get her energy out."

"She's five. What the fuc-"He paused for a second to check her breathing to see if she was awake."What the fuck does she need to 'train' for?"

"Don't forget, Kanda, she's a born fighter. In fact, I think I need to warn _you_. She likes to fight. She'll try to persuade you to fight her. It's programmed in her head to battle, so don't let her pull you into it!" Allen warned.

"Che. I'm not that stupid." Kanda scowled.

"No, but she's smart, especially when it comes to learning new things and tactics. Lavi tried to teach her normal things, she knows how to read and write at the level of a five year old, but she hates learning stuff like that and discards anything she doesn't need. She doesn't know she's doing it, but her brain picks up tiny moves and techniques that help her fight in any way. I hate to compliment you, stupid Kanda, but at your level of skill, she might end up picking up way too many things. We've all agreed on this, she should at least get a normal-well, as normal as it can get around here-childhood." Allen walked up, placing a hand on Ayu's head.

_She's a good fighter…? _

Kanda had to admit, he was intrigued by how fast the kid could learn. It was something he might actually enjoy. If he could make her into a formidable opponent…

But they had clearly discussed this, and he didn't want an angry horde on his ass, he had enough trying to deal with people when they weren't on his case.

She stirred, pushing herself up on her hands by pushing against _his_ head.

"Are you up now?" Allen asked with a smile.

"Mhm. Daddy is really comfortable," She said blurrily.

"Want to go have some fun with Kandaddy?" Allen suggested cheerfully. Kanda blinked in surprise, 'Kandaddy'? That was almost as bad as Lavi calling him by his first name!

"Don't call me tha-"He began angrily, standing up suddenly.

"Is it time, is it time? We can go exercise?" Ayu started bouncing up and down, still seated on his shoulders.

"Stop that!" He growled and strode past Allen. She didn't.

"Ah! Dadda, you'll come watch, right?" She twisted around and used his ponytail as a handhold so she wouldn't fall off backwards. He twitched angrily and exhaled as he clenched and unclenched his hands.

"Huh? Well, sure…" Allen eyed Kanda warily. He walked quickly towards the training rooms, hoping he could shake her off inconspicuously or something. No such luck, that kid held on tight. He didn't like the looks that were sent his way when he had the kid on his shoulders. They were…friendly and like they were saying 'how cute. Kanda and his daughter.' No! Just, no!

_Damn it all to hell!_


	4. This Is Stupid

Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray-Man. That's just a silly assumption.

AN: Hello! I've kinda forgotten when I last updated, but I think it was a while ago, for which I am sorry for! I hope you enjoy the chapter!

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He kicked the training door open and she finally crawled down off his shoulders to run around the spacious room. She ran into a small side room and came toddling out holding a giant ball.

"That's what you want to play?" Allen jogged up. She nodded with a bright, eager smile on her face.

"Alright then, ready?" He picked her up and placed her on the ball.

_What the fuck…?_

She wobbled and stood up on the ball precariously. To his surprise, Allen actually stepped back, rather than take her off the ball. She was going to fall.

"After a while, it got pretty hard to keep her entertained….so I ended up teaching her circus tricks. She caught on really quickly, and she likes it." Allen called back calmly. Kanda watched on blankly, words not forming in his head properly. Everything was just….so ridiculous.

Ayu held her hands out and with a tumble, performed a handstand that was ridiculously steady. Her dress almost flipped over and Allen grabbed it to stop it from falling over her eyes. Her face was scrunched up in concentration, and with a final leap, flipped off the ball and landed on her feet.

"I did it! Dadda, daddy, did you see?" She called excitedly, jumping up and down.

"I did! Well done, Ayu!" Allen ducked down and high fived her.

"This is stupid." Kanda whirled around to stride out the door, maybe this was all just a horrible hallucination caused by something Komui slipped into his food. _Please_, let this all be a hallucination.

"You should see what her favourite weapon is," Allen said. The tone of his voice seemed to have hooks all over it, grasping his curiosity. He turned his head minutely and Allen jerked his head towards what she was holding. She had a considerably smaller version, but she was still unmistakeably holding a bokken. He blinked, turning around slowly. "She found it, and since we don't let her use real weapons…."

The one thing that might've caught his attention, sword play. There was much inner conflict as the part of him that wanted to get out of there immediately fought with his curiosity. She was half him, right? What if she was actually good?

_Fuck my curiosity! _

"You're sloppy." Kanda marched forward and slid her foot forward with his own. "You're not in a proper position to defend or attack."

Her head tilted upwards to look up with an expression of excitement and fervent eagerness to learn. He hadn't seen that look on her other than when she was eating. The bean sprout wasn't lying when he said she was eager to fight.

"Hey, remember…" Allen warned. Kanda ignored him, placing a hand on her head push it forward gruffly.

"Look in front of you, but don't let your guard down behind either." He instructed. He could feel the potential rising off her like steam and if he shaped it correctly, it could become something worthwhile. He didn't like teaching people, but then again, his 'kid' was standing in front of him. A lot of things were changing. "Don't hold it like that."

"Huh? But it feels best like this!" She swung the bokken enthusiastically. He sighed, striding into the weaponry room to grab another one of the wooden swords.

"Kanda!" Allen eyed the sword warily.

"Shut up. You're too noisy." He growled. Allen looked like he was about to protest, but a sly smile grew on his face.

"Fine. You'll learn best if you see it firsthand." Allen retreated a suspicious distance away.

…_.It? _

"Hold it like that and try hit me." He directed his attention back to the small girl. It felt strange, he was probably more than twice her size, and she looked as harmful as a bunny. He couldn't take Allen's warning seriously. Her eyes widened and her smile turned into a full blown grin, only serving to make him feel even weirder for facing a five year old.

"Really? Really? For real?" She was on the verge of squealing. It grated on his nerves.

"Yes."

Kanda was a little taken aback by the speed with which she suddenly seemed to gain when she leaped forward, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. Stepping to the side, he blocked her surprisingly heavy swing. With a flick of his wrist, he deftly broke her sword with his and used the hilt to hit it out of her hands. She stumbled forward, collapsing to her knees.

"That's why you don't hold it like that," Kanda said calmly, walking up to her.

"Wow….cool! Daddy is cool! Teach me, teach me, teach me!" She leaped up, brushing the broken sword to the side and running to grab another one. "So, like this….right?" She glanced at his hand and moved her hands accordingly on the smaller one.

"No-"He looked at it and she instantly shifted it. "Yeah…."

"So…." She flexed her tiny arms and he blinked and stepped back in surprise as she spun and sliced upwards. Without hesitating, she slammed her sword into his. He let it slide off and had to tilt his head back to avoid being hit in the chin.

_Is she getting faster…?_

As he saw a flicker in the corner of his eye, he automatically blocked it and hit the person swinging the sword on the shoulder blade. Not a bone shattering hit, but it was enough to make her cry out and fall forward.

_Crap! I hit her too hard! For fucks sake, children are so weak!_

Both their swords clattered to the ground and he rushed to her. She was sprawled on the ground face down, holding herself up with her elbow. Her head was tilted forward and her long hair spilled over her shoulders, shrouding her face completely.

"Oi, midget…" He crouched down, _don't be crying, don't be crying. _

That was when he noticed a slight shining and wavering around her, like a heat wave. It was a fiery green…like it was innocence…..

She pulled herself up and straightened up, a sudden blast of green flames erupting around her. It was like she was on fire that was a green colour and her expression was now serious, but still excited. Her silver eyes narrowed and the flames burned brighter.

"Wha-bean sprout!"Kanda yelled, backing away from the bright burning and holding the hilt of his sword cautiously.

"It's Allen." Allen replied, tilting his body to the side to see past Ayu. "Is there something wrong?"

"What the hell is this?" Kanda yelled.

"You made her activate her innocence." Allen shrugged, leaning back onto the wall. "Now she's going to get really competitive and incredibly hard to stop. Have fun, stupid Kanda."

"What the hell do you mean? Hard to stop? What-"

Ayu jumped forward, swinging her tiny, unthreatening fist at him. He stepped backwards and it slammed into the ground with a loud crack. Kanda was almost sure she broke her knuckles, but she kept going, the bright green flames surrounding her whooshing past him. She ran into the wall, pushing off it with a kick, which crackled and blackened when the flames touched it. She growled in exhilaration and she had an animalistic and slightly berserk look in her eyes, along with a feral smile. The feral smile he often felt on his face when he was fighting, and he instantly knew that someone was going to get hurt.

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AN: Uh oh...get her, Kanda! Before your crazy daughter blows the place up!

Something like that :D Thanks for reading!


	5. Great, Now It's Baths?

Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray-Man. No lie.

AN: Hello! If you hadn't yet noticed, I got bored and decided to name the chapters, because I am just that creative. Not really, but it was fun anyway. Also, I don't think I'll be able to update regularly, I have stupid exams coming up, though here in Australia, they're just mid year exams, but I'm still going to have to study, because I am painfully stupid. Okay, not that stupid, I just need to study hard because I have the attention span of a three year old. And I'm silly, I'd rather write than study, but I don't want to be gutted by disapproving peers and their sharp, pointy words. I hope you enjoy the chapter!

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"Midget!"He reached for her hand to grab her and hopefully stop the wild freak. Before he could grab it, she suddenly disappeared from sight. She crouched down to prepare a spring, but her eyes suddenly widened as she tripped on her own hair, sprawling face first into the ground. The flames slowly died down until her hair wasn't wavering like tendrils anymore.

"Ow…" She sniffled, sitting up and holding her face. Blood was spurting out of her nose and tears started to form in her eyes. Almost immediately, the blood slowed and trickled to stop, but her hands and the front of her dress was covered in it. Ayu looked at her hands with mild interest, and then wiped her hands on her dress.

"Stupid Kanda! Look what you did!" Allen rushed forward to tilt Ayu's head back and inspect the mess.

"I didn't do it, she tripped by herself! You even saw, stupid bean sprout!" Kanda kneeled down beside them, but there was no sign of any outer injury.

"You're lucky she heals fast!" Allen rubbed his sleeve under her nose to try clear up some of the blood.

"She heals fast _because_ of me!"Kanda yelled irately.

"It duzzent hurt anymore," Ayu said nasally.

"Are you sure? Do you want to go to head nurse?"

"Nuh uh, ahm okay. It waz my fault for tripping." She brushed her hair out of her way, dried blood sticking the strands together.

"Damn right." Kanda grumbled.

"Stupid Kanda! You need to be more careful!" Allen lectured.

"Shut up already!" Kanda shoved Allen away from Ayu and reached back to his hair. "You nag like an old woman!" He yanked out his hair ribbon, sending his hair tumbling over his shoulder. He knocked Ayu's hands out of the way roughly, reaching around her neck to bunch the black hair into a bundle and tying it up. She looked at him curiously and with a flushed smile.

"We're going to the showers now anyway….there's not much point in tying it up," Allen said just a little bitterly, helping Ayu stand up.

"Che. You're just jealous you don't know how to tie it."Kanda flicked his hair over his shoulder.

"I don't want to hear that from someone who's incompetent in every other aspect." Allen glared at him.

"I'm not incompetent, bean sprout!" Kanda bit out, following them grudgingly down the hall.

"It's Allen, and if you aren't incompetent, how about you go give her a shower?" Allen challenged, whirling around in front of the bathroom. Now Kanda _knew_ he should've just given in and let Allen have this round, but his pride just wouldn't let him.

"Fine!" He snatched Ayu's hand out of his and stalked into the large bathroom. He heard Allen trotting in after him and swore in his head. He had no idea what to do. He walked slowly into the change rooms and came to a stop.

"So…not incompetent…right?" Allen snickered.

"Shut up. How do you know what to do, stupid bean sprout? "Kanda said in frustration.

"Lenalee and Miranda taught me." Allen shrugged smugly. "All you need to do is ask for help…."

"Go die." Kanda growled.

"Well…I guess that's close enough." Allen sighed, taking Ayu's hand. "First, we wash what we can off…" He turned the tap on and pulled her two hands into the sink. The water turned red and swirled down the drain, gurgling away as Allen grabbed a cloth and wiped it under her nose. She squirmed and fidgeted, making whiny noises. Kanda stood back with his arms crossed, an annoyed look on his face.

"Go take your dirty clothes off and put it in the basket, and then go wrap up in a towel." Allen shooed her away gently.

"'Kay!"

"What the hell was that?" Kanda asked abruptly as she teetered away.

"She…went to get a towel…?" Allen pointed vaguely and with a confused look.

"Not that, retard. In the training room, what the hell was that?"He asked impatiently.

"Ohhh! You mean Ayu's innocence?" Allen set out soap along the bath edge, along with two other bottles.

"Yeah."

"It is what it is, it's just her innocence. Parasitic type, her body is almost literally engulfed in flames." Allen shrugged.

_Parasitic…Lenalee did say something like that…._

_Shit, that was unexpected. _

Kanda stayed silent, chewing over his thoughts in mild irritation.

"Done!" Ayu came running out at break neck speeds, skidding to a stop in front of the bath with a big white towel wrapped around her like a cape. Allen looked at him expectantly.

"What?" Kanda scowled.

"Your work's cut out for you. I mean, you can't be _that_ stupid, right?"Allen goaded, but a polite kind of goading. It made it so much worse.

"Shut up, bean sprout." Kanda frowned at the midget, who was grinning widely for no particular reason and peering out at the bath. So he just placed a foot between her shoulder blades and kicked her in. She toppled in with a loud splash, making him grimace as hot water splashed onto his clothes.

"What on earth-!" Allen's jaw dropped open like it was suddenly unhinged. "Are you actually stupid?"

"Say that again and I'll cut you." Kanda sighed irritably, hand hovering over Mugen.

"Could you be any less tactless?" Allen shook his head, ducking towards the edge of the where Ayu had resurfaced and was clinging onto the edge.

"She's fine, stop being a whiny bitch." Kanda tapped his foot impatiently.

"That really isn't the point here, _you kicked a child into water._" Allen inspected the girl. "Are you alright, Ayu?"

"I flew!" She clapped, sending water droplets onto Allen's face. He smiled in some sort of relief, patting her wet hair.

"See, she liked it." Kanda said monotonously. Allen glared at him and he glared back, daring him to do something about it. Kanda could take that damn bean sprout down in any situation, any day, anytime and anywhere.

"I'm sorry, your stupid daddy really is insufferable." Allen sighed, handing her the soap. "Make sure you get all the blood off!"

"Hmm….but I like that daddy's in…in…insuf…sufferable!" Ayu smiled toothily. Allen and Kanda both blinked in surprise, Kanda then crossing his arms huffily.

"Well, you would be the first." Allen scoffed. "And probably the only. Ever."

"Then that makes Ayu special to daddy!"She closed her eyes as Allen scrubbed her hair haphazardly.

"No." Kanda said automatically. The sound of scrubbing and childish giggled filled the air and Kanda watched on with a bored look. As much of a head start that bean sprout had on him, anyone could see he was inexperienced with washing hair. He smirked a little at that, he had one thing on the righteous sprout. He saw his opportunity and prepared to sneak out as fast he could.

"And where do you think you're going?"Allen called cheerfully, without even looking back.

"Away," he replied.

"Haha, be serious now, Kanda." Allen smiled.

"This is a waste of time."Kanda grumbled. "I don't need to be here. I don't _want_ to be here."

"It was your fault she got hurt."Allen accused. "In fact, you should be doing what I'm doing! Stop slacking off!"

"No way," Kanda said immediately.

"Irresponsible jerk…"Allen muttered.

"Shut up, bean sprout!"

"It's Allen, stupid Kanda!"

"Heehee!" Ayu giggled, resting her cheeks on her hands. "Dadda and daddy are a diskfunctial* couple."

"Nooooo! Dadda and daddy are most definitely not a couple! Definitely not!" Allen cried.

"Where the hell did you hear that from?" Kanda narrowed his eyes and stalked up to the pool.

"Wavi-nii. He also said that…" She tilted her head, face scrunched up in thought. "Thass right! He said that you two fought like an old married couple!" She grinned. Kanda stood up abruptly, whirling around and unsheathing Mugen smoothly.

"Punch Lavi for me as well, would you?" Allen asked amicably.

"There won't be enough of him left." Kanda growled as he kicked the wall in his impatience to find and skin the damn rabbit.

"Even better." Allen glanced behind him. "But you didn't have to break down the bathroom wall…"

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AN: *Diskfunctial=disfunctional, kids can never pronounce the hard words right...which can be hilarious sometimes. Thanks for reading :D


	6. He Flew!

Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray-Man.

AN: Hello! Two exams down, five to go! Alright! Winning at lifeeee...not really, but I'm cool with that. Having a life is overrated anyway, you have to be all social and stuff...I'm too lazy to be social! That's why I love you guys, no judging :D Hope you enjoy!

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"You've grown, Ayu!" Komui announced cheerfully, retracting the tape measure swiftly.

"Yay! Soon I'll be taller than dadda!" She jumped up and down excitedly. Allen smiled but then his face quickly dropped. Would she actually grow taller than him? He wasn't _that_ short, but just how much would he be mocked if Ayu were to exceed him in height?

_Get it together! That's not important! Stupid Kanda's getting to me….I'm not that short! _

"Just how fast is she growing, Komui?" Allen asked.

"Well…it seems to be slowing, but…" Komui said quietly as Ayu chatted animatedly to Lenalee, who was a (not surprisingly) very good 'sister'. Allen sighed, tousling his white hair tiresomely.

"We don't really know anything, do we?"

"….Don't worry so much. Hevlaska hasn't raised any concerns, and Ayu visits her frequently." Komui patted him on shoulder reassuringly.

"I guess so…" Allen said as Lavi burst into the office, slamming the door shut behind him and locking it.

"Oh-"He glanced around quickly. "Hey! What's up?"

"We're just-"

"Cool. Just a quick question, how strong is this door?" Lavi interrupted.

"It can withstand quite a bit of physical force. Innocence and dark matter resistant too," Komui said proudly. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, say someone like, I don't know-Kanda- just a random example, were chasing after me for gluing hearts on his clothes-" Just as Lavi started making hand motions to imitate hearts, there was a loud bang as someone tried to very angrily break down the door. "-and when I say 'clothes', I really mean 'hair'."

"Open the door, you coward!" Kanda's seething voice reverberated through the door.

"There's a difference between cowardice and not wanting to die at the hands of an angry Yu!" Lavi called, back still pressed against the door.

"DON'T-"Another angry slam to emphasize his growl. "-call me that!"

"So, is there another way out, or…?" Lavi looked around idly with little urgency and as if he had all the time in the world.

Allen frowned and examined Lavi's movements. "Didn't you just heal from the last-"

"Round of ass whupping Yu unloaded on me? Yeah, that's why I thought I should, ya know..." Lavi shrugged vaguely.

"Try get yourself killed?"Allen said helpfully.

"Something like that."

"Maybe you should just apologise, Lavi." Lenalee suggested while handing Ayu another coloured pencil.

"I don't mean to seem rude, but if you had seen the look on Yu's face, you would not be suggesting a simple 'sorry', Lenalee." Lavi peered underneath the carpet, looking for some sort of trap door.

"I suppose there's always the window…" Komui mused, sliding the frame up to look outside.

"You know, you would deserve it if Kanda beat you up. It's not good to invade other people's privacy." Allen chided.

"Aw, stop being such a goody two shoes, bean sprout. That's just no fun." Lavi walked back to the door, which had stopped rattling from the pounding.

"It's Allen." He responded automatically.

"Mmmm." Lavi mumbled absentmindedly as he rested his ear against the door. A cross between a screeching and splintering noise thundered around the room and Lavi jumped in surprise. "Yep! He's still out there."

"And he's using Mugen, by the sounds of it."

"Did you really glue hearts into his hair?" Lenalee asked.

"Uh huh. Pretty ones, too. All sparkly and pink." Lavi grinned.

"Oh, Lavi…" Lenalee shook her head. "You don't understand what it's like to have something stuck in hair, especially long hair." She ran her hands a little forlornly through her shorter hair.

"I got some honey stuck in my hair once. It tasted funny," Ayu said thoughtfully, like she was philosophising about the world.

"Hold on, Ayu, what are you drawing on?" Komui suddenly seemed to realise the scribbles the small child was flourishing across the papers on the floor.

"I dunno, but iss pretty!" She waved the pieces of paper gleefully.

"I'll get yelled at if those are important papers…" Komui readjusted his glasses in concealed worry.

"It appears to be...a memo?" Allen gently pried the paper out of Ayu's hand, who pouted briefly before being distracted by a moth flying by the light. "From Lenalee?"

"Me?" Lenalee looked up in surprise. "Are you sure?"

"'Remind brother that Kanda needs to be talked to.'" Allen read out, handing it back to her. A flash of recognition ran over her face and she blushed a little.

"A-Ah, that's right…" Lenalee briefly glanced at Ayu before lowering her voice. "Do you remember the conversation we had this morning?"

"Oh yeah! Komui, ya gotta give Yu-chan the ol' sex talk." Lavi began casually, leaning against the door with his shoulder. His eyes widened and a muffled squeak flew out of his mouth as a long blade slid through the door, missing his head by a hair width. It slid out easily and a muffled 'che' could be heard from the other side.

"I won't miss next time."

Lavi scrambled away from the door, staring accusingly at Komui.

"Komui! I thought you said this door would hold!"

"Haha, well. Strength wise, Kanda always seems to be the one to test the limits." Komui laughed heartily and then froze. "Wait, sex talk?"

"Yup. Kanda is clueeeless." Lavi finally looked at the window, sitting hesitantly down on the ledge and glancing out.

"I refuse." Komui sat down at his desk, back of the chair facing them. Lavi, Allen and Lenalee all turned to him in surprise, Lenalee striding up and placing her hands on her hips.

"Why, brother?" She asked, frown plastered on her lips. Komui swivelled around on his chair, tears forming in his eyes.

"But then there'll be another sexual predator after my precious Lenalee!" He wailed, lunging to hug his sister. Lenalee looked like she had a head ache and slipped out of his tight embrace.

_So that's what he was afraid of…_

Allen sighed, opening over to the door and unlocking it. He jumped back to avoid being hit by the door being slammed open.

"Look, Kanda, Lavi apologises-"Allen began to say, but froze as his eyes slid over the fuming man. His hair was out and slightly frizzled, like he had torn at it, most likely-no, certainly because of the little hearts that now decorated the smooth black tendrils. "Pfft."

"Don't fucking laugh!" Kanda snarled.

"Heehee." Lenalee giggled and immediately slapped a hand over her mouth. "Oh, no, Kanda! I didn't mean that! It's really cute!"

That seemed to attack the man's pride the most out of everything they could've said.

"Daddy, your hair makes you look like a mummy instead." Ayu piped up innocently before resuming her 'swim' in all the papers on the floor.

Scratch the previous statement, _that_ was definitely the biggest attack on his pride.

"You-!" Kanda's hand gripped tightly around the hilt of his sword and he directed his fury at Lavi, who was half out the window.

"Everyone, just calm down! Please!" Lenalee cried and everyone temporarily stopped. "I think we should focus on the more pressing matters, right Allen?" She looked at him pleadingly. As much as he wanted to laugh at Kanda some more, he knew he probably should help Lenalee out. Nothing changed much anyway, the next topic was probably equally humiliating for Kanda.

"Yes. Komui…" Allen looked at him sternly and Komui whimpered, looking forlorn but straightening his coat to at least look respectable.

"Kanda, could you take a seat?" Komui said to the long haired man attempting to slice Lavi into pieces.

"Let me cut him first." Kanda growled.

"Kanda!" Lenalee pleaded.

"Yeah, Yu-chan, listen to Lenalee!" Lavi said, ducking to avoid being beheaded.

"What the fuck did I say-fine. Fine." Kanda sheathed his sword in an outstanding show of self control. Lavi breathed a sigh of relief, a little too early it seemed, as Kanda shot his leg out to kick Lavi off the window ledge. There was a moment of pure shock as Lavi hung in the air, and then gravity made Lavi it's bitch.

Ayu tottered over to the window and peered out, her eyes wide with wonder and a giant grin decorating her face. "Wavi-nii flew!"

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AN: Thanks for reading and drop a review if you like it :D


	7. Ah, Superglue

Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray-Man.

AN: Yes! Somehow, internet! SmilingChipmunk here, broadcasting live(sorta) from China. Awwww yeah. How's everyone? This chapter is kind of a filler, I'll admit, which I apologise for! It doesn't really go anywhere, it's just for amusement-ish purposes...yeah...I'M SORRY. Psst, by the way, I'm a huge sucker for Almanda/Yuma, and I'm (like the idiot I am) starting a new story on them. It's serious, but if any other fan of that pairing also read this story, that might be coming up soon. Hope you enjoy!

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"What do you want?" Kanda said calmly as he sat down and crossed his arms.

"Stupid Kanda! Do you know what floor we're on?" Allen yelled.

"Onii-chan's not moving." Ayu sung backwards and Lenalee and Allen dashed over to the window.

"Lavi! Are you okay?"Allen asked worriedly.

"S'fine! My internal organs broke my fall." Lavi's groan could be heard from the ground. "Ouch…I bit my lip…"

"Does it hurt? Do you need help?" Lenalee called frantically.

"Nah, but if you kiss it better Lena-"

Lenalee slammed the window shut with a curt "He's fine."

"Ayu will go kiss it better, if Wavi-nii's hurt!" The short child tilted her head innocently, only angelic concern in her eyes.

With the exception of Kanda, there was a collective thought of '_So naïve…Cute…' _

"Don't go near perverted rabbits like him," Kanda said with a scowl. "And someone get this shit out of my hair!"

While Lenalee began to rummage in a drawer, Allen grabbed a handful of heart decorated hair and _yanked_ downwards. Kanda jerked around, biting back a yell of what would have been an embarrassing high yelp of pain.

"What the fu-"Kanda began when Allen yanked it again, this time tearing out a couple of the hearts.

"What did I say about swearing in front of Ayu?" Allen let the hearts drift to the floor. "This is punishment for swearing, including all those times before since someone who is really, _really _stupid forgot about it completely*."

"You touch my hair again, I will destroy you." Kanda growled.

"You swear again and I'm not limiting myself to just ruining your womanly hair." Allen threatened back calmly. Immediately, Kanda's hand was on the hilt of his sword and Allen had activated his innocence.

"Nail polish remover!" Lenalee yelled, squeezing her eyes shut and shoving the small bottle in her hand between the two.

"Um…" Allen stared at it, for once sharing a look of utter confusion with Kanda. Lenalee peeked through one eye and then cleared her throat sheepishly.

"A-Acetone works against super glue, and nail polish remover contains it." She twisted open the cap and handed it to Kanda, who looked at it for a moment and then promptly dumped it over his hair, scrubbing at the hearts manically.

"Ah! Kanda, be careful with that! If you get it in your eyes, or accidentally swallow a bit of it-!" Lenalee stepped closer worriedly.

"If he'd rather go through the pain than stay with hearts in his hair for another second, let him." Allen hmphed.

"But it's probably really bad for your hair, Kanda! You should take more care of it!" Lenalee insisted, holding out a water bottle for him to wash away the acetone. Ayu uselessly but enthusiastically threw around the hearts drifting to the floor and Lenalee grabbed a towel after a pause of Kanda's ignoring.

"I really miss my long hair…I took good care of it…" She pouted, a tinge of depression entering her voice. Kanda twitched a little and looked up a little guiltily, not that he made it noticeable.

"Give it here." He muttered, snatching the water and towel out of her hand to messily clean his hair. Lenalee's expression brightened immediately and she smiled triumphantly.

"Here, daddy! Present!" Ayu held up a handful of hearts to Kanda delightedly, earning an incredulous glare and further ignoring from him. She shoved the hearts into his lap regardless and grinned stupidly. Kanda violently brushed them to the side with a stony expression.

"I don't want it."

Allen exhaled through his teeth sharply and harshly as Ayu's face fell minutely.

"Thass okay, daddy looks better without them anyways." Ayu stayed forever optimistic. "Do you wanna present, dadda?"

"Ah, thank yo-"Allen smiled before looking down at what Ayu placed in his hand. "Ayu, this is…dirt?"

"Uh huh!" She nodded brightly, giving no explanation as she resumed drawing.

A snicker was audible through the towel covering Kanda's head and Allen glared at him.

"I-I see…"Allen looked at his palm for a while, finally tipping the soil into his pocket under Ayu's scrutiny as she looked up to check.

_I can always clean it out later….after I finish crying to myself. _

"Now that I think about it, Ayu really shouldn't be here for this…_talk_, should she? She's a bit young…" Lenalee brought a hand to her cheek.

"Oh, you're right…that thought didn't even occur to me…" Allen scratched his head thoughtfully.

"Take her somewhere else." Komui suggested to him.

"But I want to-"_see Kanda's super embarrassed face._ Allen stopped himself from blurting that out and coughed. "I want to stay here as Kanda's unofficial partner-parent."

Komui raised an eyebrow and even Allen could feel Kanda's disgust radiating off him like in waves of contempt. "Anyway, would you really rather Lenalee stay here with Kanda through this?" Allen implied slyly. It really was inexplicable, but it was a once in a life time chance to see that cold samurai flustered!

"Lenalee, please take Ayu to eat, she's hungry." Komui immediately ushered Lenalee out the door, little girl in tow.

"Yeah! Linlee-nee! Let's go eat! You'll come soon right, dadda?" Ayu grabbed Lenalee's hand eagerly.

"I'll be there shortly, go on." Allen waved.

"Daddy?" She prompted.

"Che."

"Dadddddy?"

"Whatever!" Kanda snorted, whipping his head agitatedly.

"'Kay! C'mon, if we go now Jerry can make me his special 'Super Mango Pudding'!" Ayu dashed forward with Lenalee running behind.

"Remember to say thank you!" Allen called hurriedly as the door shut.

"She's eating towers of sugar and you're worried about fucking manners? Figures." Kanda scoffed.

"Well, one of us has to, and you clearly do not possess the etiquette." Allen shrugged.

"Okay, maybe we should just put weapons up here-"Komui began before meeting Kanda's glare. "-or not, as long as we keep them sheathed and not embedded in Allen."

"I'm not making any promises. Just hurry up." Kanda exhaled impatiently. Komui cleared his throat and crossed his hands.

"It has come to my attention, Kanda, that you have not yet received...education in a certain area that someone your age should know," Komui said. Kanda frowned but didn't say anything. "That is to say, sexual education."

* * *

AN: GOOD GOD IT TOOK ME THAT LONG TO GET THERE. Yes, this chapter really doesn't go anywhere. But! Next chapter, that's where everything goes down.

* Ah yes, this little mishap. This someone really stupid refers to me, because I'm an IDIOT. I really did forget about the swearing thing, but thanks to a prompt from I've made up for it in this chap. Thanks, DGMGRL.

Anyway, thanks to the reviewers as always, and all those alerts and favs!


	8. Dying Inside

Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray-Man!

AN: Looks like I'm updating all my stories tonight! Sorry to keep you guys waiting so long, but here is the next chapter where someone comes to the 'rescue' and something finally happens. I hope you enjoy!

* * *

"Wow, it took you guys that long to get to that?" Lavi dusted himself off and plucked a leaf from his hair as he slumped on the floor beside the couch.

"Wha-when did you come in, Lavi?" Allen jumped in surprise.

"While you guys were busy _not_ helping me, I used my hammer to get to the window," he waved the now small hammer before tucking it into the holster. "I'm not severely injured, thanks for asking."

"Sorry, Lavi!" Allen apologised quickly.

"Shouldn't you go to head nurse?" Komui motioned to the scratches on Lavi's hand.

"It's okay, I landed in a bush. Go on, I wanna be here for this. Just pretend I don't exist."Lavi sat forward eagerly with his face on his hands. Kanda, meanwhile, had adopted a roughly suppressed confused expression, and uncomfortableness was written in his posture.

"I don't-"Kanda started, but stopped to consider his word choices, finally choosing a simple "No."

"I'm afraid that is not for you to decide, it was the Order's responsibility and has clearly been neglected for quite some time." Komui adjusted his glasses again.

"I don't need it. Are we done here?" Kanda said tersely.

"That's true, we all kinda figured Yu-chan was asexual." Lavi piped up. Kanda turned a glare on him that was so fierce Allen could feel it singing his hair from where he was sitting and cast a warning look at Lavi.

"That's not very helpful, Lavi." Allen said through a forced smile.

"Oh, sorry, was I meant to be _helpful_? Like you guys were _helpful_ when I almost died getting kicked out the window?" Lavi jerked his head towards the window.

"You're holding quite a grudge over that, aren't you?" Allen sighed.

"I'm still picking twigs outta my butt, Allen."

"We're a bit off topic, don't you think?"Komui held up his hand and Allen closed his mouth, silencing the rude remark that he was about to make.

"_Like I said,_ I don't need it. I'm leaving, Komui." Kanda's voice began taking on a razor edge that warned everyone in the vicinity that someone was going to be cut soon.

"Bring out the diagrams, Komui!" Lavi stage whispered. "Trust me, he'll stay!"

"Interesting preposition…" Komui murmured, but snapped out of it as Kanda began to stand. "But in all seriousness Kanda, this information is something you should at least try listening to."

"Unless you're too stupid to understand, then there's nothing much anyone can do about that." Allen mocked.

"You've gotten sick of living, bean sprout?" Kanda growled.

"One thing I sure haven't got sick of is your idiocy," Allen replied without missing a beat, raising his hand in anticipation to block the blow that was sure to come. All of a sudden, the door slammed open, somehow impatiently.

"I can't believe you guys are taking so _long_ to get to the point!" Reever shook his head disbelievingly as he strode over to stand beside the desk.

"Wha-Reever! How did you-"Komui spluttered in shock.

"There are cameras and mikes in here." The spiky haired blond gestured around absent mindedly. The two sitting on the couch didn't seem surprised at all, and Lavi wasn't even paying attention anymore, but Komui jumped up.

"Hah?! When did you put cameras in here? Why did you put cameras in here? Don't you trust me, Reever?" Komui wailed.

"I'm not even going dignify that with an answer." Reever pointed at the papers on Komui's desk. "Now please stop wasting time and finish your work, supervisor."

"Ah! But I'm actually doing something important!" Komui almost looked surprised at himself when the words left his mouth.

"I'm well aware of what you're doing-_to waste time and not do work-_so I'll take over," the Australian positioned himself in front of the desk so he blocked Komui's view of the three.

"Hey, you said something really fast in the middle there, Reever." Komui sulked.

"You have work, supervisor." Reever slapped a pen into his hand and turned around. "But you three as well, you guys are absolutely-Allen, what are you doing?"

Allen was kneeling on Kanda, one hand barely restraining the sharp sword that threatened to impale him.

"Get off me, you fat bean sprout!" Kanda yelled.

"He tried to run away halfway through, I was just trying to fulfil my duty as a fellow concerned exorcist," Allen said seriously before being painstakingly pushed away by Kanda.

"Looks like you need to lose some weight bean sprout, want me to slice some pieces off?!" Kanda was yet again pointing his sword at Allen, with Lavi laughing on the floor.

"He called you fat, Allen! It's 'kay, I think you're quite dashing, bean sprout! Though not as dashing as m-"

"Lavi, you're…really useless here…" Reever pinched the bridge of his nose. "Can you guys please stop fighting for a second? All we need to do here is go through some basics, and then we can all get back to work!"

"I wholeheartedly agree. In fact, allow me to begin this lesson!"Allen looked almost a little enthusiastic.

"Why didn't you speak up earlier…?" Reever sighed incredulously. Allen smiled sheepishly and just a tiny bit cheekily, and then cleared his throat.

"So, I'm sure even you, stupid Kanda, are aware of the process of human reproduction. It is a natural occurrence and essential for the survival of humans." Allen nodded knowledgeably.

"….Okay, good start. I'll take it from here! It's quite simple, actually." Reever clapped his hands. "Two genders, male and female, understood? Good. Males and females, two different sexual reproductive organs, both necessary for reproducing, got that? You look a little lost, Kanda, do you need me to go back over anything?"

Kanda slowly opened his mouth as if to say something, his brain working rather slow. After a long pause, he tch'd and looked away.

"Sorta looks like he's dying inside…." Lavi whispered to Allen.

"It does, doesn't it?" Allen couldn't quite push down the grin from his face.

"You look way too gleeful, Allen…"

"Tosh, I'm just happy for Kanda," he very cheerfully-and very blatantly-lied. Reever whipped out what looked like a large poster and-

"OH MY GOD REEVER!" Lavi cracked up as the quite detailed human anatomy picture was handed, no, more like forced into Kanda's unwilling hands. Allen flushed lightly but was not as flustered as the long haired swordsman who now just didn't seem to know what the hell to do with his hands and the paper he was holding. The two scarily detailed human bodies depicted on the paper had labels and descriptions and really just everything that could possibly freak the stoic samurai out.

"What the fuck is this?!" he ripped the poster into pieces, the fluttering pieces unfortunately not blocking his flushed, slightly feverish and extremely pissed off face.

"Whoa, whoa, he's really going to blow!" Lavi chuckled but also darted back warily.

"Ah, I knew I should've made the poster out of tougher stuff…"Reever mused. "Well, that's okay, as long as you get the gist of it?"

"I get the fucking point!" Kanda yelled, splintering the table as he slammed his hands into it. There was a silence, and then a rhythmic creaking filled the air.

"Herrrre we go." Reever calmly rolled out a large whiteboard and whistled as he drew a circle onto it. Kanda slumped down with a resigned sigh, putting his head in his hands.

"You should pay attenti-"Lavi started.

"Talk fast or I'll destroy everyone in here. You punks are lucky you're still breathing." Kanda didn't move but glared through the spaces of his hands.

"Eek."

"Here we have a simple representation of how humans are created! Over here-"Reever tapped his pointer against the circle (which appeared to have come out of nowhere) against the circle. "-Is the uterus, the female reproductive organ. Then, we have the…."

And so Kanda's torturous lesson really went into full swing, with Allen contributing with scary facts on the red light district and Lavi being way too enthusiastic about everything. It was a long day for Kanda.

* * *

AN: Man, you just gotta love Australians (hint hint, love me XD) Thanks for reading and to the reviewers, the alerts and favs, you guys make the average day feel AWESOME.


	9. Shut Up

Disclaimer: I do not own DGM~ :D

AN: Wow...I cannot even...I am so, so, freaking sorry. It has been too long, and I have no excuses, I just have not written for this story for so long! And it's unlikely I'll be able to update often this year, as some may know, I'm heading into my final year of high school -WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FRICK YEAH EXAMS AND STUFF...shittake mushrooms. I will be keeping the status of this story updated on my profile (you can also check my facebook page, there's a link on my profile but I don't use it too much XD)

Most likely you will have to reread the prior chapters to even understand what's going on here, I know I had to XD There are actually a few mistakes and stuff, but eventually I will fix the story up, as well as my other stories :D Anyway, sorry for any oddities and such, but I hope you enjoy this extremely late chapter!

* * *

"Kanda! You came…out…" Lenalee slowed down as she caught sight of the dishevelled swordsman, a sigh coming out of her mouth. He seemed like a shell of his former self, dark eyes even duller than they usually were and posture slightly slouched over.

"Daddy, you're finally out!" Ayu jumped up and down, dashing over excitedly.

"Are you okay?" Lenalee asked tentatively.

"…Mm," he made some sort of grunting noise, eyes flickering over her briefly. He came to a halt, eyeing Lenalee intently, eyes narrowing on her body. Lenalee shifted a tiny bit uncomfortably, as he had never done that unless to check for injuries.

"U-Um…"

"Your…" he began slowly, an odd, nauseous look coming over his face. "Your body is messed up."

"_Kanda_!" Lenalee's face turned red and without hesitation, she aimed a swift kick at his face. She wasn't expecting to make contact, but probably because Kanda's brain was currently a puddle of mush, he took the hit with a casual _bang_and slammed into the wall.

"Wha…! Kanda! I didn't think I would actually…" she trailed off, running over and followed by an amazed Ayu.

"Linlee-nee! You can hit Daddy! I knew you were amazing!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands. She tugged Kanda's sleeve eagerly through the settling dust. "Daddy, Linlee-nee kicked you!"

"Shut up…" he muttered, brushing debris out of his hair and ignoring the Kanda shaped hole in the wall. "You and I, brat. We're lucky," he said to Ayu, a tiny shiver running through his body as he walked away.

"Why am I lucky, Linlee-nee?" Ayu asked, quizzical expression on her face.

"Because your daddio learned some stuff not for your ears, A-chan." Lavi plonked an open palm on her head, leaning his weight on it. "It's okay, Lenalee! I think your body is perfectly fine!"

"...That would sound like a perfectly good compliment from anyone else, but from your mouth, Lavi…it just sounds _wrong_," Allen sighed. He looked at his arm, used to the scrabbling limbs up his side as Ayu climbed up to hang onto his shoulder.

"Dadda, what did you tell Daddy?" she tugged on the ribbon around his collar persistently.

"Uh, well, it's…it's something you'll learn later on, okay?" he smiled at her exasperatedly.

"Hm…okay then!" She grinned, sliding back down his arm. "Will Daddy be okay?"

"You know what, A-chan? I have no idea." Lavi shook his head, looking wistfully in the direction Kanda had left. "A cold hearted swordsmen that doesn't get flustered by brains and guts exploding everywhere, piles of dead bodies and near fatal injuries, but he gets mentally traumatised by a sexual education lesson. I guess everyone has a weakness, hey?"

"One of the stupidest I've heard yet…and I've heard quite a few." Allen scoffed.

* * *

"Don't fall asleep while brushing your teeth!" Allen poked the little girl in the head as she started to tilt forward, toothbrush slipping out of her mouth.

"Spufgh!" she choked, almost stabbing herself in the eye with her flailing hands had Allen not quickly intervened. "Sorry Dadda…"

Allen just chuckled to himself, patting her on the head. "I think we really have to go to bed."

Ayu nodded sleepily, yawning and eyes falling half closed again, blinking them open again when Allen flicked a little water onto her face.

"Not while standing, silly." Allen set their toothbrushes away. "Oh! That's right, won't you be happy tonight, Ayu? You get to sleep with your Daddy!"

* * *

"No." Kanda swiftly slammed the door shut on their faces, stopped only at the last minute by Allen's hand. The door trembled and looked like it was going to splinter with the effort being put in from both sides. "Get your hand off the door, beansprout."

"Come on, don't be like that. I thought we agreed on this?" Allen smiled icily, nudging the half asleep girl into the crack of Kanda's door with his knee. There was a long, electric, fierce staring battle that caused even the people walking past to shudder.

"There's no room," Kanda finally growled.

"It's okay, she curls up, all you have to do is keep an eye on her." Allen maintained his icy smile. "Don't be so darn stubborn."

Kanda's face twitched, and the door handle he was holding onto snapped off. Without a second delay, he slammed the broken off piece into Allen's face with a snarl.

"Damn it, stupid Kanda…!" Allen angrily threw it on the ground, rubbing his face, cursing softly when he realised the door had closed on him. Not that it was that effective with the doorknob missing.

_Wait a second…Ayu's gone…_

Allen couldn't help but smile a tiny little bit, stretching in satisfaction, almost willing to forgive stupid Kanda for throwing the doorknob at him.

Almost.

* * *

Kanda stared in slight revulsion at the little child waddling up to the bed.

"Daddy, I'm gonna…gonna sleep…g'night…" she slurred, trying to climb onto the bed and failing pretty horribly. Normal people would help.

Kanda was not a normal person. So he just stared, and watched almost in a sort of fascinated state at how anyone, even a child, could be so damn uncoordinated when they were tired. He sighed, not wanting to watch this pathetic show any longer. He grabbed the collar of her light coloured, bunny rabbit covered pyjamas, another thing he hadn't wanted to comment on. It reminded him uncomfortably of Lavi, and thinking of that damn red head always made him slightly—scratch that, very, pissed off. He tossed her onto the bed, watching her wiggle underneath the covers and curl up into a ball.

_What the fuck am I doing…?_

He sighed, his head hurting even more. He had received far too much unwanted information today, and to be completely truthful, he wasn't sure he could ever look at parents in the same way ever again. He folded his jacket and put it away, sitting on the edge of the bed, extremely reluctant to lie down, lest the brat crawl over and do…children things, like slobber and be unpleasant. Maybe he could just fall asleep sitting there. It's not like he hadn't done it before, in fact, he had probably fallen asleep in more awkward positions than that. He didn't even know if he could fall asleep, it was uncomfortable enough with another person in the room, having an annoying kid right beside him…

"D…s…aw…" a quiet mumbling drifted out from beneath the sheets, and Kanda glanced at the bump underneath the sheets. "Daddy…dadda…funny…married couple…"

Kanda's brain felt like it was going to melt.

"Awesome…Daddy is super strong!" she suddenly cried happily, grinning like an idiot before curling back up. Kanda blinked, looking at her from the corner of his eye, confused at how happy go lucky someone could be. He had certainly never seen someone so simple, or someone who so naively expressed her excitement at his strength.

"Dadda…more food…you're cheatin'…"

"…Shut up," Kanda muttered under his breath and slumped to the side, closing his eyes.

* * *

AN: Thank you so much to the reviewers as usual, and to all the followers and favs! I love you all so much, rest assured I dance at every one! I really appreciate it! Thanks for the support up to this point, and I'm going to do my best to keep this story going :D Woot woot woot! Have a great day and I'll see you all next time!


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